Armageddon Prep

(Yo, this post is bloody. Just a warning.)

I have had the most amazing, random, hilarious, fun Christmas/New Years in England this year. It started off with a bang. Gorilla suits are the new snuggie. And don’t forget about the ass-crack of dawn fish market trip and fun times with Elf. Basically I didn’t think it could get better. Man was I wrong.

On Boxing Day (the day after Christmas) the only tradition is to eat leftovers and shop, as far as I can tell. My buddy Ben (previously starred here as The Elf) and I celebrated a tad different. Rob went hunting with some people from the village and they shot some pheasants and squirrels. but no one wanted the squirrels. Why in gods name would you shoot it then?!?!? GRRRR. Ben and I simply couldn’t let it go to waste.

Ben looked up how to skin a squirrel on Youtube and we followed the Good Sarge’s instructions:

Our victums, patiently waiting.

Ben seemed appropriately dressed for the occasion.

Ben is one denim jacket away from a Canadian tuxedo, even though we are in the Englsh Countryside...

Seriously, I was so stoked to have a go, I could barely wait for my turn. Sadly, the little guys were a little …stiff. I couldn’t wait for them to relax. So I took matters into my own hands.

I gently massaged the squirrel whilst Ben sang whale songs. I think it worked to get the furry little thing to loosen up.

And then I got down to business. That cute woodland creature was going DOWN.

Yes, I am fucking stoked to rip the skin off a rodent.

Oh shit. Roadblock. I had NO problem doing anything to the squirrel. But cut off his balls?!?!?!!??!? It took me a bit to work up to that one. There was a fair amount of wincing.

I've done it!!! (that crazed look in my eyes? That's the taste of blood.)

*insert comment here

So, the moral of this story is that if/when Armageddon comes, all you bitches will be beggin me to come live in your barricaded compound so I can feed you all with my mad Squirrel slaughtering skills. Just sayin.

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4 thoughts on “Armageddon Prep

  1. Pingback: Mystery Texter Magnet | Uncontrollable Awesomeness

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